I worked for another month without any problems. I had gone home to see my family. Things seemed like they were going back to normal for me. My mental wasn’t the greatest but I was stable enough to work. On April 18 I was scheduled to shoot a DP(double-penetration). I had shot many of them before so I went through my normal routine where I fast the day before and then eat lightly the day of the shoot so I have energy to perform. I had a later call time that day than usual because we were waiting for the moratorium to be lifted. I got to set at about 2pm. Sat in the makeup chair for an hour before I started to feel hot flashes. I had fainted before so I knew what was coming. I politely asked the makeup artist if I could sit on the floor cause I felt lightheaded and didn’t want to fall out of her tall chair. I sat on the floor for less than a minute before I fainted. I woke up to the makeup artist shaking me and shoving a soda in my face to get me to drink something. She remarked that I was as pale as a ghost. At the time it was only her, the photographer, and I there. The director was still on her way to set. She arrived 20 mins after me fainting and asked me if I could go on. Initially I wanted to say yes, but my body was so weak and my hands were shaking from what I assumed was dehydration or low blood sugar. I didn’t want a scene out of me that looked like I wasn’t enjoying myself and I knew in this physical condition I wasn’t going to be able to perform. She tried to pressure me by saying that this movie was due at the end of the month and she needs it shot. I tried to compromise and give her my dates that I would be able to do it again and even offered to pay the location. I texted Derek my available dates and he told me that I would most likely be paying a kill fee for this one as well and a pricey one too.
A week later I had a solo shoot. After I finished the producer told me that my check was not going to me today, that it was in fact going to my agents to pay off a debt that i had. When I questioned my agents I found out that it was going to pay off the kill fee from me fainting.
Shortly after this was when I started to crumble mentally. I felt like I had been holding everything in on top of feeling mistreated by my agency. Tax season also just hit and it has always been one of the more stressful times of the year for me. Financially, mentally, and physcially I felt like I was being taken advantage of by everyone. The only person who was keeping me grounded was my boyfriend. On the night of May 6th, I had a severe mental breakdown. It wasn’t from one thing as much as it was more of a snowball of shit that had been building up for months. I already struggled with depression and suicidal tendencies and the experiences I was going through made me feel helpless. For someone who has always struggled with mental illness ending it seemed like an easy solution to my problems. I had prescription pills at the time that I used for times like these when my anxiety clouded my thoughts from thinking reasonably, and also for flying. I told my boyfriend I was going to take one to calm down. I had just refilled them so I had a significant amount. After he fell asleep I proceeded to take more and more. I didn’t stop until I finished them all. I fell asleep anticipating that I was never going to wake up. The next morning I awoke. I was completely black-out and this part of the story is from what my boyfriend has told me, as I have no recollection of it. I attempted to get up and go to my shoot. I was in a panic cause I was late and rushed to our spare bedroom to throw my things together. On my way to the room I was so wobbly that I actually crashed into the wall and collapsed. My boyfriend quickly ran to help me and told me that I should not be going to work like this. I lied to my agent and told him I fainted out of fear that I would loose work. Shortly after I got extremely upset that I had failed again at trying to take my life apparently, grabbed a knife in the kitchen went into the bathroom and started hack away at my arm as hard as I could. Luckily my knives are shit. I probably would have had better luck trying to kill myself with a spoon. At the time I was completely mad, not only was I black-out I was having an extreme mental breakdown. My boyfriend came into the bathroom to see me sitting on the ground sobbing, defeated, with my shitty knife next to me. He panicked, immediately picked me up and hid anything that I could possibly think of to hurt myself with. He quarantined me and watched me for the next 24 hrs. He told me at that point I needed to be honest with my agent about what happened so I could take the time off that I needed. I decided to tell Derek that I had not been 100% truthful with him earlier. Described to him in full detail what had happened and also sent him a photo of what I had done to myself. I also described to him how he had been making me feel the past couple of months. He told me that I would most likely still have to pay a $200 kill fee regardless of my mental state.
After this conversation I reached out to Fran to see what debts I had left to settle with them so I could pay them and be done with them. I also reached out to the producer at the time who was a friend of mine and someone I trusted. I told her everything that happened. At this point, I had no intention of saying anything I even asked her to not say anything to anyone because I was embarrassed. She said she had no intention of charging me a kill fee and showed genuine concern for my well being all while finding someone to replace me. Luckily she was successful and was still able to make the shoot happen that day. I took a day to recover and when I came to I had realized what I had done and what had all happened. I started to piece things together by going through my phone and asking my boyfriend. Instantly I was upset by the $200 kill fee that I saw and started to investigate further. I reached out to the producer again and asked if she had sent them an invoice because they were telling me that she was going to. She responded to me and said that she had not changed her mind and was not planning on charging me. When I spoke with Fran she told a different story. It conflicted entirely with what I was being told directly by the producer. Fran sent me my final invoice and on there was the $200 kill fee. I immediately began to dispute it.
On the 9th, I decided I wanted to go into the LA Direct Office myself to see Fran and Veronica. I figured it would also be an appropriate time to pay off my last invoice. I walked into the office and just the way these people acted around me proved that my best interest wasn’t there, they were now against me. It was silent. I put the money on the table and walked out. When I got back to and was driving home the producer got back to me and confirmed that she in fact did not send an invoice on purpose in order to avoid me paying anything. She had even sent me a screenshot. After learning this I texted Fran again.
After experiencing all of this, I was so angry that things like this were happening to girls and not to mention girls who are younger and way more weak mentally than even I am. I wanted to speak up. I wanted to share my story out of hopes that a new girl will read and hopefully not have to experience what I did. I love what I do and this industry. It took me out of a depression and gave me a hope again on more than one occasion. The people who make up this industry are responsible for that. There are way more good people in porn than there are bad. With that being said, I don’t think that the bad should go unnoticed. Performers in this industry need to be aware of whats going on so that we can properly protect ourselves and others. By staying quiet all we do is protect the people who were treating us poorly in the first place. So I decided to take to what I knew best as a millenial, Twitter.